Super 8

I just started to watch the movie Super 8, and barely 10 minutes in I just had to write this post. In the movie, the main character's mom dies right off the bat. Everyone remarks how the mother was the only real parent, and the dad didn't really know the son that well. I guess I've always kinda known it, but I really don't know my dad all that well. He lives with me, yet we don't talk much and don't have that much in common. The best times I remember with him were fishing tournaments when I was a lot younger (even though I would usually sleep most of the time), and when we played Super Nintendo together when I was 3. That was actually the reason I really got into playing video games. The memories of playing Super Mario world have never quite left me. It's a really big part of who I am honestly. I owe that to my dad, but after that things just became a lot more distant between the two of us.

When I made the marching band, it got even worse. I think my dad might have come to all of 3 events throughout my high school career. It always upset me a bit how he had time to go to all of my cousin's football/baseball games but not am hour or two to see me perform at OBA or any other competition. My mom was at all of my events save for a few regional and national competitions, and I have never blamed her for missing the far away trips. But my dad... He just never seemed to show any interest in the marching band thing. It's shown a lot more these past few months. I can't really talk to him about much and it makes things awkward. Tonight we had a little talk and he acknowledged that we don't talk much at all. I'm not really sure if there is a definite meaning to this post, or if I just subconsciously needed to get it out of my head. I guess that's for any readers to decide. (If I even have any, that is.)

On the medical front, I found out today that I have C Diff, a condition in which the bacteria in your stomach is mostly wiped out due to long term antibiotic usage, causing a virus that is normally killed by said bacteria to cause lots of intestinal problems. I've been dehydrated and in lots of stomach pain the past two days, but luckily it's not huge compared to everything else I've had this summer. Only a week until my specialist meeting and move in day, and I really can't wait. Though I'll have to get a job now after missing so much work from the arthritis episode, I know I'll still have lots of fun. I'm excited that I've gotten a lot closer to friends I'll see at OSU, and I'm still hoping I am accepted as a friend by them. (But then again that's just my self esteem talking and it hasn't been the greatest since I was a kid.) I just hate those nights (like tonight) where you know people are hanging and you don't get an invite. Childish, I know, but I can't help but feel like I'm in elementary school again. Those were times I was not fond of. But I know sometimes people just don't want to hang out with you.

I'm honestly trying to avoid falling into a depression until I leave. I think I've already hit that state around my parents, especially after today. Hearing that while your parents love you, they don't agree with any of your decisions and are just ready for you to leave so they don't have to deal with you doesn't really make someone that happy. In fact, it causes a lot of pain and longing to be away. I just don't know what to say to them anymore. I was mostly mute today, just sitting in my room. I'll have to get out and do something soon. Hopefully I can hang out with said friends and have my spirits lifted a bit. I want to make this a once a week thing at least so stay tuned if any of you are there. I'll talk to you all again very soon. Back to Super 8 for me.

Life as of Late

Well, it has certainly been a while since I last wrote on here. Things have been busy, but of course that's just another excuse. I'll be going to OSU in just a few weeks to work on a Computer/Electrical Engineering degree, and I could not be happier to get the heck out of BA. Things have just been really strained lately, and I just need a fresh start of sorts. I'm gonna do what I can to make amends on my mistakes at OU, and show that I can be the person many believe I can be. Though I'm not sure if I can clearly see that person yet. I still have quite a bit of development to do before I'm an actual adult.

Anyway, this past two and a half months have been probably the roughest of my life so far. I've been working 5 days a week as a lifeguard, while also taking 9 hours of class this summer. It's been busy to say the least. But not so busy as it seems. My biggest problem lately has been time management, though I am sure many, many people share my predicament. I also have been to the doctor about 12 times since the beginning of July. It started with a staph infection, leading to a bad reaction to the antibiotics to treat the staph, then I had a bout with iritis (inflammation of the iris) in my right eye. They then thought that the pain might be related, and ordered a series of blood tests to see if they could find anything. Great. Turns out I have an auto immune disease. No, not AIDS you silly people. It's actually the opposite. Where AIDS is a deficiency of your white blood cells, my auto immune disease is actually caused by my white blood cells overreacting, and damaging my body thinking that it is an external threat.

I'm basically stuck waiting now until August 16th, when I will see a Rheumatologist and probably get blood tested quite a bit more. So I won't even know what is wrong until I'm living in Stillwater. Awesome.

I'm gonna make quite the transition, and talk about something today that made me upset. I'd say it made me rage, but it was more sad than anger inspiring. Now I have never been a traditional "Christian" in the sense that I have a church that I call my home, and that I go to church every Sunday and that I know the Bible in and out. At times it is really hard to admit that to myself, but it is the whole truth. I have really been turned off by church due to a couple instances involving them in my life. I was having a really good time, but then college rolls around and I feel as though I was simply replaced by the new wave of kids coming into high school. I haven't really had a "church" since then, but it has never stopped me from calling myself a Christian. I do fit the definition, right? I believe in Christ as my savior, I believe in his teachings, and I fully believe he is God's own Son come to help me gain forgiveness for my sins. I pray regularly (though at times I still think it's not enough) and I try to fit my actions to something that I could be proud of in the eyes of God. Unfortunately I am not perfect, and not trying to use it as a crutch, I know there are many things that I can do better in my life. I have tried again to read the Bible often and to put it to memory. My scripture knowledge has always been pretty lacking, and it's honestly my own fault at this point. I have the Bible on my phone for goodness sake, I can't say I never have it on me. Yet still things come up.

Now I don't want anyone to take a hateful message from all of this; far from it. I just want you all to know that just because you aren't a person who has a church, who can recite the Bible with perfect accuracy makes you not a Christian. Now are you not living to your full potential? Most likely. I know without a doubt I am not. I am far too lazy and I procrastinate way too often to be at my full potential. I won't even get started on my video game habits. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and that I am always here for you as well. I don't care who you are. Even if I do not know you. Message me on here and we'll talk.

I guess that's all for now. I've still got quite a bit to think about, and I have some reading/studying to do for my trig test tomorrow. I'm going to get back into the habit of posting, so feel free to "follow" me or whatever. Thanks for your time.