Super 8

I just started to watch the movie Super 8, and barely 10 minutes in I just had to write this post. In the movie, the main character's mom dies right off the bat. Everyone remarks how the mother was the only real parent, and the dad didn't really know the son that well. I guess I've always kinda known it, but I really don't know my dad all that well. He lives with me, yet we don't talk much and don't have that much in common. The best times I remember with him were fishing tournaments when I was a lot younger (even though I would usually sleep most of the time), and when we played Super Nintendo together when I was 3. That was actually the reason I really got into playing video games. The memories of playing Super Mario world have never quite left me. It's a really big part of who I am honestly. I owe that to my dad, but after that things just became a lot more distant between the two of us.

When I made the marching band, it got even worse. I think my dad might have come to all of 3 events throughout my high school career. It always upset me a bit how he had time to go to all of my cousin's football/baseball games but not am hour or two to see me perform at OBA or any other competition. My mom was at all of my events save for a few regional and national competitions, and I have never blamed her for missing the far away trips. But my dad... He just never seemed to show any interest in the marching band thing. It's shown a lot more these past few months. I can't really talk to him about much and it makes things awkward. Tonight we had a little talk and he acknowledged that we don't talk much at all. I'm not really sure if there is a definite meaning to this post, or if I just subconsciously needed to get it out of my head. I guess that's for any readers to decide. (If I even have any, that is.)

On the medical front, I found out today that I have C Diff, a condition in which the bacteria in your stomach is mostly wiped out due to long term antibiotic usage, causing a virus that is normally killed by said bacteria to cause lots of intestinal problems. I've been dehydrated and in lots of stomach pain the past two days, but luckily it's not huge compared to everything else I've had this summer. Only a week until my specialist meeting and move in day, and I really can't wait. Though I'll have to get a job now after missing so much work from the arthritis episode, I know I'll still have lots of fun. I'm excited that I've gotten a lot closer to friends I'll see at OSU, and I'm still hoping I am accepted as a friend by them. (But then again that's just my self esteem talking and it hasn't been the greatest since I was a kid.) I just hate those nights (like tonight) where you know people are hanging and you don't get an invite. Childish, I know, but I can't help but feel like I'm in elementary school again. Those were times I was not fond of. But I know sometimes people just don't want to hang out with you.

I'm honestly trying to avoid falling into a depression until I leave. I think I've already hit that state around my parents, especially after today. Hearing that while your parents love you, they don't agree with any of your decisions and are just ready for you to leave so they don't have to deal with you doesn't really make someone that happy. In fact, it causes a lot of pain and longing to be away. I just don't know what to say to them anymore. I was mostly mute today, just sitting in my room. I'll have to get out and do something soon. Hopefully I can hang out with said friends and have my spirits lifted a bit. I want to make this a once a week thing at least so stay tuned if any of you are there. I'll talk to you all again very soon. Back to Super 8 for me.

Life as of Late

Well, it has certainly been a while since I last wrote on here. Things have been busy, but of course that's just another excuse. I'll be going to OSU in just a few weeks to work on a Computer/Electrical Engineering degree, and I could not be happier to get the heck out of BA. Things have just been really strained lately, and I just need a fresh start of sorts. I'm gonna do what I can to make amends on my mistakes at OU, and show that I can be the person many believe I can be. Though I'm not sure if I can clearly see that person yet. I still have quite a bit of development to do before I'm an actual adult.

Anyway, this past two and a half months have been probably the roughest of my life so far. I've been working 5 days a week as a lifeguard, while also taking 9 hours of class this summer. It's been busy to say the least. But not so busy as it seems. My biggest problem lately has been time management, though I am sure many, many people share my predicament. I also have been to the doctor about 12 times since the beginning of July. It started with a staph infection, leading to a bad reaction to the antibiotics to treat the staph, then I had a bout with iritis (inflammation of the iris) in my right eye. They then thought that the pain might be related, and ordered a series of blood tests to see if they could find anything. Great. Turns out I have an auto immune disease. No, not AIDS you silly people. It's actually the opposite. Where AIDS is a deficiency of your white blood cells, my auto immune disease is actually caused by my white blood cells overreacting, and damaging my body thinking that it is an external threat.

I'm basically stuck waiting now until August 16th, when I will see a Rheumatologist and probably get blood tested quite a bit more. So I won't even know what is wrong until I'm living in Stillwater. Awesome.

I'm gonna make quite the transition, and talk about something today that made me upset. I'd say it made me rage, but it was more sad than anger inspiring. Now I have never been a traditional "Christian" in the sense that I have a church that I call my home, and that I go to church every Sunday and that I know the Bible in and out. At times it is really hard to admit that to myself, but it is the whole truth. I have really been turned off by church due to a couple instances involving them in my life. I was having a really good time, but then college rolls around and I feel as though I was simply replaced by the new wave of kids coming into high school. I haven't really had a "church" since then, but it has never stopped me from calling myself a Christian. I do fit the definition, right? I believe in Christ as my savior, I believe in his teachings, and I fully believe he is God's own Son come to help me gain forgiveness for my sins. I pray regularly (though at times I still think it's not enough) and I try to fit my actions to something that I could be proud of in the eyes of God. Unfortunately I am not perfect, and not trying to use it as a crutch, I know there are many things that I can do better in my life. I have tried again to read the Bible often and to put it to memory. My scripture knowledge has always been pretty lacking, and it's honestly my own fault at this point. I have the Bible on my phone for goodness sake, I can't say I never have it on me. Yet still things come up.

Now I don't want anyone to take a hateful message from all of this; far from it. I just want you all to know that just because you aren't a person who has a church, who can recite the Bible with perfect accuracy makes you not a Christian. Now are you not living to your full potential? Most likely. I know without a doubt I am not. I am far too lazy and I procrastinate way too often to be at my full potential. I won't even get started on my video game habits. I just want you to know that you are not alone, and that I am always here for you as well. I don't care who you are. Even if I do not know you. Message me on here and we'll talk.

I guess that's all for now. I've still got quite a bit to think about, and I have some reading/studying to do for my trig test tomorrow. I'm going to get back into the habit of posting, so feel free to "follow" me or whatever. Thanks for your time.

Lost.

So...it takes a lot to type this right now. I'm not even sure if I will publish this to begin with. I might just type it out so I feel better. Things are...chaotic at the moment. Something happened last night that could really change things. I want to play it all off as a joke, but the circumstances don't allow me to see it that way. People were really upset. It sucks. It truly does. I really don't want to even think about it, but I know I'll feel better by typing it out.

I have always been "That Guy". The one who likes to help. The one who has no problem lending a friend cash when he has it, or letting people use his stuff. I have poker nights at my house every once in a while. Stuff might get broken, or a mess made. I always clean it up. A friend will help now and then but most of the time I'm the one getting yelled at because I asked everyone to help clean when I go to bed and it doesn't happen. I understand that. They come over and eat our food and use our house. That is honestly no big deal at all. I know...that I have more than other people do. But I truly try not to flaunt that. If I do that to you, I am truly sorry. I just want to make others happy, as well as myself. I won't lie about that and say I don't like to make myself happy. I really do. I hope everyone can understand that. If not, oh well. I like to think that I am a pretty understanding person...

But some people have been just...doing things I don't agree with. I'm afraid. I really, truly am scared that I will lose people over this. The same people I would trust and protect with my life. I'm not afraid to admit I'm scared. I just...have no idea what to do. I don't know how to make things right. I'm just hoping that things can be fixed, somehow.....some way....but all I have is hope. So until next time, here's hoping that things really improve. -Blake

A little bit more about me Part 2

So basically I decided to just act like myself again. I didn't hide the fact that I watched Naruto, or played WoW all the time. I was happier knowing that I didn't have to hide from people. It was so freeing to know that I was being true to myself, and I truly believe people accepted me for who I really was. So I will let you guys in on a little secret now :) I have always wanted to do something, but I never really thought I would have the courage to go through with it. Well this year, I say I do. I am going to a little thing called Tokyo in Tulsa, and I will be dressed as Sora from Kingdom Hearts II. Nerdy, I know. But you have no idea how pumped I am. I am getting together funds to get everything set. I have about two months to get the cash. Anyone wanna help me out? Haha just kidding. I know for something like this I will be the one to raise the cash.

But anyways, High School went much, much smoother than Middle School did. I had this amazing thing called Pride. It was the door to the friends I have today, as well as the newfound self esteem I had from Pride. I enjoyed High School so much. It is so far the best time of my life. I found so many friends through band, and it helped me branch out and break my hermit shell. I went from playing games and never hanging out with anyone to having more close friends who shared my gaming interests as well as TV (If not for Heroes I wouldn't have really been good friends with Brucey lol). So it is amazing how one little change can effect my life. But I am very glad I was in band those 7 years. It has really been one of the greatest things I have ever done. But enough of this lol.

So is there anything in particular you want to ask? Like I said in my last post I will answer any question you have for me. Go ahead and ask me :) So until next time, -Blake

A little bit more about me.

So for those of you who know, I am Blake Michael Wilhelm. I am 19, and I am a freshman at TCC. Blah, blah, blah. That may describe me, but thats not who I am. I am a person who forgives and forgets much too easily. Some of my closest friends have taken advantage of me, or my possessions, or even my house. I try to think I would have done the same in their shoes, but I really wouldn't have. When someone gets mad, I try to calm them down. When I get angry (well, no one has seen me truly angry) I get the feeling of being completely powerless. I can't fight my anger. It is so incredibly slow to rise, but if it does, trust me on this, get the HELL out of my way. I may not look like much, but I can kick some serious butt if I really need to. But enough of that.

I am a HUGE nerd. I watch anime. I read manga. I play(ed) World of Warcraft. Name something nerdy, and I probably do it. I'm sorry if you think that's weird, but if you do, GET OVER IT. I am not here for you. I am here to be true to myself. So what if I religiously follow Bleach, Naruto, and Fairy Tail? I love reading about the guy who finds out he can succeed in what he believes in, and still to this day I wish I could use jutsu, or have a zanpakutou, or be a mage, or eat a devil fruit, or have a pokemon, or my most strong wish of all, to just scream at the top of my lungs, and go Super Saiyan. I will until I die. That is the kind of magic I live for. Its what I love. I bear my soul to you. I won't keep anything out.

I also play lots of games. I own the main three consoles as well as both of the handheld ones. I love hearing about new games and much of my mind is consumed with the next Final Fantasy/Kingdom Hearts/ Pokemon/ Naruto/ whatever game. It is the habit that has truly defined my childhood. I have beaten Blue version about 15-20 times. That doesn't count Red (5), Yellow (7), Gold (1), Silver (4), Crystal (2), Ruby (2), Sapphire (1), Diamond (1), or Platinum (2). I live video games. But again enough of that crap.

So I'm sure some people see me and the last thing they think is "Man this is the nerdiest looking kid I've ever seen!" I will admit, I can seem to hide it to some people. But I have really tried to get away from that habit. When I was in elementary school, I was bullied a lot. Not physically, but verbally. I had zero self esteem. I wanted to drop off of the face of the earth at times. It was tough. The only thing I had to get me through it all was my games. Specifically my Game Boy. Ask any relative of mine and they will tell you: all I did was a child was play games. It was my perfect escape. The tiny game cartridges were my best and sometimes only friends.

Then came middle school. Haskell. I will never hate a period of my life as much as 6th grade. It was hell. But something good did come out of it: band. I would not know it, but it would be the catalyst behind my entire adult mindset. 6th grade brought me almost no friends, and I rejoiced when I found out we were moving. It was my fresh start: my new Beginning. But I didn't really change. I found some people at Sequoyah, and talked about my love for DBZ, or Yugioh, or .hack, or Outlaw Star, or Yu Yu Hakusho, or anything else I could think of. It was my identity. It was who I loved being. Its who I still am, luckily. I almost sold out. I was so close. But then I realized everything: (LANGUAGE WARNING) I don't give a FUCK what people think about me.

I needed to get away from the people who ridiculed me for playing Yugioh or Magic cards after school. So, I started dressing like my brother. I started to wear the Abercrombie, American Eagle, and Hollister clothes. I still wear some of them. I started to alter who I really was. I shunned my old friends. Worst mistake of my life. I gained new "friends", though we never hung out outside of school. But I gained one friend: Jeremie. The one friend who would make all of the difference. I would hang out with him every day from 7th grade until like 11th or 12th grade. He is still without a doubt my best friend. We had everything in common. We played games, talked about anime/manga, and life was great. I realized I didn't have to wear that crap as a shield anymore. I could be myself and if it bothered people, so what? What the hell do I care?

Well that will do it for now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I will hide NOTHING. So until next time, -Blake.

Work, work, work, work, work.

So this past week I have been in sales training for Best Buy. I was lucky to get a job, I know, but the more I see the managers the more I realize: Almost none of them have kids. They all work 6 days a week, 60-70 hours a week. I know they get paid well, but they have no free time whatsoever. Its hard to imagine a career in which you get everything in the world you want, and yet have no time to actually enjoy it. Now I know you can really love your job, but do you want to miss your child's first steps, or their sporting events?

My mom works a lot. She would miss stuff, but she would get to whatever she could, preferably on weekends. My dad, however, while he came to baseball stuff, he never really showed enthusiasm for my marching band career. I know it isn't the varsity football or basketball team, but it really hurt to know that he probably didn't care a whole lot. What kid wants to go through that? I didn't. I just want some of you workaholic parents to see what that can do to a kid. I retreated into video games because my parents never really did stuff with us. Thats what I would focus all of my attention on. I know it hurt my grades. To be totally honest, it still does. I still will pick up Pokemon instead of working on math. Its my worst habit.

My parents would try to do stuff like at the end of spring break or so. We might have a fun day or two, but most nights they would come home from work, tell us what to clean, and then just watch tv in their room or something. It was sad. I see parents of friends who are actively involved in their kids life and I can't help but be jealous. Its something I always wanted but could never quite get. It still kind of tugs at me. But enough of this rant for now. Enjoy your lives. Until next time, -Blake.

It's been a while!

So I had completely forgotten about my blog until a friend created one. Thanks Josh Esau! Hahaha. Well anyway I have been going to TCC as some of you know, and I have to say it really was a great idea! I have saved so much, and since I got a job at Best Buy, things have been going extremely well! Its finally time to start making some money, and get some much needed credit for school. I'll be taking some classes in the summer as well. But enough about that. So for the past week I have been playing so many games its not even funny. First it was Final Fantasy XIII, which I have to say was absolutely breathtaking. Then it was God of War III, and I ended up playing the original God of War as well so I could get some trophies lol. Things with Kayla are going extremely well, and our 9 month anniversary is this Tuesday! Well sorry for the totally random blog but I really have nothing that amazing to say... Sorry if you were looking for the philosophical moment but I'm really not feeling it tonight. See you all later!